My Child Is Feeling Anxious. Should I Be Reassuring Them or Pushing Them Through It?
Most parents have experienced the moment of uncertainty that happens when your child becomes nervous about something you know they can do. Maybe it is new to them, so you understand why they are feeling scared. And while you believe in them, they are clinging to you, crying and begging you to not make them do what you’ve come there for.
For my son, swim lessons was one of these moments. My oldest son had jumped in the water and swam off without a care when he started lessons a few years prior, but my youngest found the whole situation intimidating. This isn’t meant to compare children, but instead to say that children have different personalities and respond to situations in all sorts of ways. My older son has other situations that are hard for him that my younger floats right through.
If you have a child that tends to be slower to warm in new situations, feels nervous during transitions, with new people, or seeks a lot of reassurance, you have probably experienced this. I found myself standing at the side of the pool with an expectant teenager waiting for me to solve the conundrum of how much do I comfort him and how much do I push him?
This post is for parents caught in that push-pull. Who want to feel confident responding when their child comes to them with fears and want to know what the research says about how much to push our kids.
Why Reassuring an Anxious Child Can Sometimes Backfire
It can be exhausting trying to figure out the “right” response when your child feels nervous. Often these moments are very public and your parenting feels on display. Our response is usually swayed by our mood that day, time pressure, past experiences, and so many things. That is to say, its usually not very consistent. We swing across the ends of the pendulum depending on the day and issue. Sometimes we push, “you can do this, just go!!” Other times, we spend a lot of time comforting and end up skipping the thing that was worrying them.
The first thing to know is that your child’s response to feeling nervous is incredibly normal. Think of any baby mammal that gets surprised or scared, they will run back to their parent’s side for comfort. And of course, this makes your natural response normal as well. We are wired to want to lower our child’s distress. To want to make them feel less worried, less sad, to tell them that it is all going to be ok. Or sometimes we even want to say, “you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to” so the feelings for them will stop. And sometimes, if it truly isn’t something they need to do, that is an ok answer.
But the important thing to know is that while reassuring our child or removing them from what is making them upset sometimes provides short-term relief, it usually doesn’t help long-term. In fact, the tricky thing about anxiety is that it feeds off avoidance. The more we avoid something, the more our anxious brain says “oh yes, it was true I needed to worry about that! I should continue to avoid it!” The more we help our child avoid the things they are worried about, the more we confirm for their brain that they are indeed correct, they aren’t capable of that.
But "just pushing through it" doesn't usually work either. Remember the pendulum I mentioned? Knowing that avoidance makes anxiety worse, we might be tempted to go to the other side of the pendulum and demand a child jump in the pool right away. Without the right support and framing, demands can feel overwhelming to an anxious child rather than empowering. It can spike distress without building any new skills. And the meltdowns that follow often send parents straight back to reassurance and the cycle continues.
Mother reassuring child.
The Middle Path: Evidence-Based Strategies for Parenting an Anxious Child
If reassuring or letting them skip the activity may not work long term, but pushing right out the gate doesn’t either, what are we left with? Research points clearly to a middle path. Instead of feeling like you are always swinging along the pendulum based on your mood, plan to be right in the middle. The middle path looks like this:
Express empathy + confidence instead of giving reassurance. Instead of "Its going to be really fun! Remember you always have fun once you get started" or “you’re okay sweetie, mommy is here. Ms. Sarah is really nice!!!” try "I know this feels hard, and I know you can handle it." “I know you’re feeling nervous sweetie, you got this.” You're not dismissing the fear, you're communicating belief in your child's ability to cope.
Don’t try to fix it. After you’ve validated their feeling and told them confidently you know they can do it, stay present with how they are feeling, nod, listen, accept how they feel. Picture yourself making a physical shrug. Not in a dismissive way, just in the sense that your child is having feelings, its human. It will pass. You’re giving them confidence that they can handle the ups and downs of life and that feelings come and go.
Expressing empathy AND confidence is called a supportive statement. It is a middle path you can take when your child is feeling nervous about something. You remain confident that it isn’t your job to fix the feelings your child is having, it is your job to be present and empathic as they get through them. The more times they get through to the other side, the more times they will realize they CAN do it! When you aren’t sure what to do or say, grab your supportive statement (empathy/validation + confidence) and then listen, don’t solve.
You Don't Have to Figure This Out Alone
If you're reading this thinking "we've tried all of this and it's still not working,” or your child’s nervous feelings seem like they are getting worse, that's when it's worth getting support.
I work with parents of anxious children using SPACE (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions), a research-based program developed at Yale that focuses entirely on the parent rather than the child. It gives you a clear, structured roadmap for reducing accommodation and responding to anxiety in a way that builds your child's resilience rather than maintaining the cycle. Many families see meaningful change within the first few weeks.
At Connected Beginnings, SPACE is offered online for families in Virginia and Washington, DC. If you'd like to learn more, a free 20-minute intro call is a good place to start.
